Hey Fuzz.
I'm feeling MUCH better today. Haven't pulled yet. I've made it harder to gain access to pulling. I've also moved my playdoh back up near my bed. I hope this things will help. I'm still not going to "start over" (still saying that this will be my 118th day pf), mainly because I don't think I could handle such a defeat. Sorry, but this entry will be much like a random rant-like thing.
Why I Hate Trich:
1. It makes me feel like a freak
2. It doesn't let me be normal
3. I want beautiful hair, but am unable to have it
4. I hate feeling hopeless
5. I hate dissapointing my friends and family
6. I hate dissapointing myself
7. It makes me feel ugly
8. It's made my relationships with others suffer
9. It's made me self concious
10. I can't let my hair down in the wind
11. The wind is my enemy
12. It consumes my time, thoughts, and energy
13. It makes me feel like a freak
14. I'm tired of keeping secrets
15. I hate hurting myself as a result
16. I can't do everything
17. I'm probably more likely to get arthritis in my hands and fingers now
18. I can't play with my hair
19. It makes me feel ashamed and embarassed
20. I've been taunted before because of it
21. I'm sick of the questions
22. I'm tired of feeling alone
23. What's normal for most, is a struggle for me
24. It's kept me up
25. I can't help it
26. It makes me depressed
ETC
I'd write more, but it's late, and I can't afford to pull again. So, goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Messed Up
Fuzz:
I'm ashamed and crying as I write this. I've pulled again. Same spot as monday. Maybe 50 hairs this time. Why is this happening to me?
Dear Trich:
I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I'm tired of being a freak! I'm tired of being made fun of! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOUR A JERK! You are NOT my friend! I'm SOOOO much better off without you! You make me feel like CRAP! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU CONTROLLING ME! I WANT TO BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS! I just want to be normal.....
Dear God:
Why am I like this? I know this isn't how you want me to live... Why can't I fight this? God, please help me...
Sorry fuzz, but I feel awful. I will reflect more tomorrow
I'm ashamed and crying as I write this. I've pulled again. Same spot as monday. Maybe 50 hairs this time. Why is this happening to me?
Dear Trich:
I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I'm tired of being a freak! I'm tired of being made fun of! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOUR A JERK! You are NOT my friend! I'm SOOOO much better off without you! You make me feel like CRAP! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU CONTROLLING ME! I WANT TO BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS! I just want to be normal.....
Dear God:
Why am I like this? I know this isn't how you want me to live... Why can't I fight this? God, please help me...
Sorry fuzz, but I feel awful. I will reflect more tomorrow
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I'm Not Proud, Take 2
Hello Fuzz.
I'm really really REALLY annoyed. You see, I JUST wrote "I'm Not Proud", and accidentally clicked the wrong button, thus deleting my 20 minutes worth of writing. -.-
Anyways, let me try again. I'm going to write about the past several days (sorry for being MIA).
First, on april 21, I ran in another track meet. Long jump was er long jump (still terrible at it). I ran the 4x100m relay, the 400m dash, and the 200m dash. My team didn't do so great in the 4x100m relay. O well. In the 200m dash, I got 1st in my heat, with a time of 1:13.42, winning by .02 seconds. I'm proud mainly because 4 days prior to this meet, I ran a pathetic 1:18-something. Which is REALLY bad. In my 200m dash, I apparently (as Ross and Kyle said) "destroyed my heat". In other words, I got first... By a LOT. :) Unfortunately, the track was asphalt, which is really hard on the shins, joints, etc. Also, I already had shin splints, which if you've ever had them, you feel my pain. The meet went well though :)
This past weekend, I went to D-Now, which is a church retreat held and hosted by my church. My sister, 2 of my friends, and I were, though we're highschoolers, put in the middlschool girls group. This is because a) there weren't many middleschool girls b) my youth leader thought we were "good role models" c) knew that we wouldn't complain (no matter how immature/annoying some middeschoolers are). I'm actually somewhat glad I was put with them. You see, I don't like a lot of kids in my grade either, and since they were all super popular (the other girls in the group I should have been in), I would have been misreable. Anyways, D-Now is an amazing experience, and is an amazing time to connect with God. We always have a speaker, usually Ron (I'll tell you about him later), and a band (performed by college students this year). It's just, well, amazing. It's hard to describe. You can just feel God's presence there, ya know? Anyways, the video scavenger hunt (we do a scavenger hunt [which we record] all around town) was fun. The only problem I had with it was that my group scripted the whole thing (which makes it look like a terrible attempt at being funny), as well as we didn't complete it with complete strangers (which is the best part :P) It was still fun. Also, 80's "prom" was amazing. Almost everyone dressed up this year. I wore my mom's old dress (from the 80s). Anyways, in conclusion, it was AWESOME (even though I was sick the whole time without any decongestant).
On monday, however, I wasn't proud. AT ALL. I pulled. I admit defeat. I'm ashamed, embarassed, etc. It wasn't any hair from the head, nor did I pull much (maybe 10 or so hairs). But still. I've decided that I'm NOT going to start over though. I'm going to say that I'm still currently 117 days pf. Why? a) I was hopped up on nyquil for the first time EVER (let's just say you "get out of it" It makes you loopy). b) it was late and I was sick and tired. I know these are pathetic excuses, but o well. I should've had a hat on. I should've printed out my tips list. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should've tried harder. I am forgiving myself though, and this CANNOT happen again.
Well, I've got to get started on homework (I'm loaded with it), so goodnight! I'll try to be more consistant with my journaling/blogging.
God Bless!
I'm really really REALLY annoyed. You see, I JUST wrote "I'm Not Proud", and accidentally clicked the wrong button, thus deleting my 20 minutes worth of writing. -.-
Anyways, let me try again. I'm going to write about the past several days (sorry for being MIA).
First, on april 21, I ran in another track meet. Long jump was er long jump (still terrible at it). I ran the 4x100m relay, the 400m dash, and the 200m dash. My team didn't do so great in the 4x100m relay. O well. In the 200m dash, I got 1st in my heat, with a time of 1:13.42, winning by .02 seconds. I'm proud mainly because 4 days prior to this meet, I ran a pathetic 1:18-something. Which is REALLY bad. In my 200m dash, I apparently (as Ross and Kyle said) "destroyed my heat". In other words, I got first... By a LOT. :) Unfortunately, the track was asphalt, which is really hard on the shins, joints, etc. Also, I already had shin splints, which if you've ever had them, you feel my pain. The meet went well though :)
This past weekend, I went to D-Now, which is a church retreat held and hosted by my church. My sister, 2 of my friends, and I were, though we're highschoolers, put in the middlschool girls group. This is because a) there weren't many middleschool girls b) my youth leader thought we were "good role models" c) knew that we wouldn't complain (no matter how immature/annoying some middeschoolers are). I'm actually somewhat glad I was put with them. You see, I don't like a lot of kids in my grade either, and since they were all super popular (the other girls in the group I should have been in), I would have been misreable. Anyways, D-Now is an amazing experience, and is an amazing time to connect with God. We always have a speaker, usually Ron (I'll tell you about him later), and a band (performed by college students this year). It's just, well, amazing. It's hard to describe. You can just feel God's presence there, ya know? Anyways, the video scavenger hunt (we do a scavenger hunt [which we record] all around town) was fun. The only problem I had with it was that my group scripted the whole thing (which makes it look like a terrible attempt at being funny), as well as we didn't complete it with complete strangers (which is the best part :P) It was still fun. Also, 80's "prom" was amazing. Almost everyone dressed up this year. I wore my mom's old dress (from the 80s). Anyways, in conclusion, it was AWESOME (even though I was sick the whole time without any decongestant).
On monday, however, I wasn't proud. AT ALL. I pulled. I admit defeat. I'm ashamed, embarassed, etc. It wasn't any hair from the head, nor did I pull much (maybe 10 or so hairs). But still. I've decided that I'm NOT going to start over though. I'm going to say that I'm still currently 117 days pf. Why? a) I was hopped up on nyquil for the first time EVER (let's just say you "get out of it" It makes you loopy). b) it was late and I was sick and tired. I know these are pathetic excuses, but o well. I should've had a hat on. I should've printed out my tips list. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I should've tried harder. I am forgiving myself though, and this CANNOT happen again.
Well, I've got to get started on homework (I'm loaded with it), so goodnight! I'll try to be more consistant with my journaling/blogging.
God Bless!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
So Tired, So Stressed
Hey Fuzz.
So today, was, er, interesting.
Firstly, I'd like to talk about yesterday. So yesterday I was in a track meet. I did bad at long jump (as usual), and I was in the 4x100m relay, which my team got 3rd (out of 4, o well). Then I ran the 400m (I HATE 400s)... AND GOT 2nd IN MY HEAT!!! :D :D :D On wednesday, I got last in my heat. Yesterday, 2nd~ :D then I cooled down.... and found out I had to run a 200m (and I thought I was DONE). And in that event... 2nd AGAIN!! :D I never ever do that well in track. E.V.E.R. So I bought the T-Shirt for the meet :)
Today, however, is a different story. I was/am dead tired, and today I couldn't concentrate AT ALL. I tried to concentrate on a paper for 6 hours and got NOWHERE. Literally, the only thing I got done was my thesis. So tomorrow I'm missing track to do homework.
Today is also the 1-month anniversary of my great-uncle's death :( It's gotten easier, but still... never gonna be over it (I was supposed to see him over spring break [right before easter] but he passed before that, so I never got to say goodbye... then his funeral was in florida the next day and I couldn't even get there in time...). But yea.
Today is also my 107th day pf. I've recently had a lot of urges (YIKES), but luckily I keep my hats on and I'm fine (honestly, if I didn't wear hats, I'd be pulling... a LOT).
And well, I'd write more, but I'm gonna fall asleep in like 20 seconds, so goodnight~
So today, was, er, interesting.
Firstly, I'd like to talk about yesterday. So yesterday I was in a track meet. I did bad at long jump (as usual), and I was in the 4x100m relay, which my team got 3rd (out of 4, o well). Then I ran the 400m (I HATE 400s)... AND GOT 2nd IN MY HEAT!!! :D :D :D On wednesday, I got last in my heat. Yesterday, 2nd~ :D then I cooled down.... and found out I had to run a 200m (and I thought I was DONE). And in that event... 2nd AGAIN!! :D I never ever do that well in track. E.V.E.R. So I bought the T-Shirt for the meet :)
Today, however, is a different story. I was/am dead tired, and today I couldn't concentrate AT ALL. I tried to concentrate on a paper for 6 hours and got NOWHERE. Literally, the only thing I got done was my thesis. So tomorrow I'm missing track to do homework.
Today is also the 1-month anniversary of my great-uncle's death :( It's gotten easier, but still... never gonna be over it (I was supposed to see him over spring break [right before easter] but he passed before that, so I never got to say goodbye... then his funeral was in florida the next day and I couldn't even get there in time...). But yea.
Today is also my 107th day pf. I've recently had a lot of urges (YIKES), but luckily I keep my hats on and I'm fine (honestly, if I didn't wear hats, I'd be pulling... a LOT).
And well, I'd write more, but I'm gonna fall asleep in like 20 seconds, so goodnight~
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wow.... Sorry!
Hey Fuzz.
I'm really sorry I haven't written in so long. From the last post, you should be able to tell that I can go crazy under stress. Anyways, today I had a ton of homework, yesterday I had track meet... Yeah, I'm about to passout from exhaustion. Oh yea, the day did get worse, in case you were wondering. I stepped in dog pee, and had to pack up. Luckily, we decided to stay :) Anyways, not too much to say. Oh yea, April 11th was my 100th day pf! I'm finding this month to be extremely hard to be pf. I don't know why... No motivation? Anyways, I'm going to write again tomorrow, as I'm about to sleep on this keyboard in 5 seconds...
Talk to you tomorrow!
P.S. I found out that the "cavity" I was thought to have wasn't a cavity at all :P
I'm really sorry I haven't written in so long. From the last post, you should be able to tell that I can go crazy under stress. Anyways, today I had a ton of homework, yesterday I had track meet... Yeah, I'm about to passout from exhaustion. Oh yea, the day did get worse, in case you were wondering. I stepped in dog pee, and had to pack up. Luckily, we decided to stay :) Anyways, not too much to say. Oh yea, April 11th was my 100th day pf! I'm finding this month to be extremely hard to be pf. I don't know why... No motivation? Anyways, I'm going to write again tomorrow, as I'm about to sleep on this keyboard in 5 seconds...
Talk to you tomorrow!
P.S. I found out that the "cavity" I was thought to have wasn't a cavity at all :P
Friday, April 2, 2010
Walls Crumble Down
Hey Fuzzy.
These past few days have sucked.
These past few days have sucked.
My mom is fighting everyone (on the topic of sugar). Let me explain. So I was at my grandmas house, getting bread, when I spotted one of my favorite cookes: Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies. I asked her if I could perhaps have one later. Well she said 'no' and my grandma told her that since I never come over that she should let me just have it. My mom exploded. Lets just say that she said some pretty nasty things, and now she's saying how I'm never going over there again. Also as a result, she's threatening that we're going back home. Another thing: I've been wanting to go to the zoo for over a year, and I was going to today. Guess who went without me? Yea, my mom. She won't stop fighting everyone and is splitting this family apart.
As a result, everyone in my family is in a pissy mood. My other grandparents are being snappy and mean. And no one understands how emotionally damaging this is for me. Its almost like they don't care if it makes me depressed, nor do they care that it makes me want to harm myself. Also, they know that stress leads to premature death, stroke, and heart attack. No, they don't care.
To top things off, while unplugging my brothers laptop (my battery was dying), my fingers wrapped around the metal prongs. Guess who got electrical shock? I did. Ugh. Can this day honestly get any worse?
I feel like I'm in a freefall, with no control, my metaphorical walls crumbling. I feel as though the only thing I can control is my trich (odd, I know).
Going back to what I said a few paragraphs up (the wanting to hurt myself), it doesn't make sense. I mean they're hurting me (emotionally), and all I want to do is hurt myself? It makes no sense. I WILL NOT hurt myself for thier actions. I REFUSE to. As Breaking Benjamin sang it "I will NOT bow, I will NOT break, I will shut the world away. I will NOT fall, I will NOT fade, I will take your breath away..."
Geez, just blogging about this is making me feel better. Not whole, my heart is still shattered. Just better.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Side Disorder
Hello Fuzz
Today, rather than updating on my life (which today was extremely hectic/stressful), I'd like to write about an experience many other trichsters share, especially when trying to quit: Face Picking.
I first noticed how much more I was picking at my acne around two weeks ago. It frustrates me incredibly that I have substituted my hair pulling with acne popping. Like trich, I believe, I do this to relieve stress and calm anxiety. But really all I'm doing is creating more stress and anxiety, while making myself increasingly hideous in the process. I know it will scar :( I just love it when I pinch the acne, and the "white stuff" flies out (due to increased pressure). Wow I sound insane o.o
If ANYONE does this, I plead that they PLEASE help me stop! I know that this blog is more of a diary, but in this case I need all the help I can get. I'm quite ashamed, but yea. Thanks for reading!
Today, rather than updating on my life (which today was extremely hectic/stressful), I'd like to write about an experience many other trichsters share, especially when trying to quit: Face Picking.
I first noticed how much more I was picking at my acne around two weeks ago. It frustrates me incredibly that I have substituted my hair pulling with acne popping. Like trich, I believe, I do this to relieve stress and calm anxiety. But really all I'm doing is creating more stress and anxiety, while making myself increasingly hideous in the process. I know it will scar :( I just love it when I pinch the acne, and the "white stuff" flies out (due to increased pressure). Wow I sound insane o.o
If ANYONE does this, I plead that they PLEASE help me stop! I know that this blog is more of a diary, but in this case I need all the help I can get. I'm quite ashamed, but yea. Thanks for reading!
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